Two years www.datingranking.net/atlanta-dating/ ago, I wrote an article for HuffPost about asexual dating. Asexual ? or ace ? people like me experience limited to zero sexual attraction, which can be a confusing concept in an overly sexualized society. And yet, initial reactions to my piece were overwhelmingly positive, with many ace people saying they felt “seen” and many allosexuals (or allos, i.e., people who do experience sexual attraction) expressing interest in learning more.
So, it seems really weird to me that my asexuality is supposedly a product of my environment, but all other sexualities are somehow inherent and immune to the world around them
Then, in 2021 ? two weeks after the first International Asexuality Day ? the article was posted again. This time, the comments had a different theme: “Why is she even dating?”
Asexuality isn’t either, and to assume that asexuality only looks like x, y, z ignores the rest of the alphabet
The consensus seemed to be that if I didn’t experience sexual attraction, if I didn’t want sex, there was nothing for me to desire in a romantic relationship. Romantic and sexual attraction were conflated and these people decided what I really wanted was friendship ? I was just confused.
Truthfully, I was only confused about one thing: why these commenters were claiming to know me better than I know myself. I’ve never gone up to a stranger and said, “You don’t really want (insert thing they want). Sure, you’re saying you do, but come on, who knows better?”
At first, I was upset. Then, I was angry. And finally, I reached a point of, “Well, I should have expected it,” because asexuality is one of the most misunderstood orientations out there. From being told we’re all aliens or robots to asking if our “parts work,” we encounter a lot of invasive, outright harmful questions and assumptions. And it gets three-days-without-sleep levels of exhausting to field those questions over and over and over.
Which is why I wanted to write this follow-up piece. While one essay can’t possibly cover all the misconceptions out there, it can hopefully provide some asexual basics (“baceics”) to help make these conversations easier. And once we have those, we’ve taken a step toward eradicating these misconceptions entirely ? not just in comment sections, but in our greater world as well.
For some reason, when you come out as ace, people have a lot of opinions on why you’re ace. It can’t ever just be “because I am.” Instead, it’s always “because you have a hormone disorder,” or “you’ve experienced trauma,” or “you just haven’t found the right person yet.” And sure, hormones and trauma can affect asexuals – just as they can influence people with other sexualities. But in both cases, that doesn’t invalidate what the person experiences. It doesn’t make it any less real.
We live in a heteronormative, sex-obsessed, white patriarchal society. But I don’t mention these societal influencers to straight people as the reason behind their straightness. It’s also weird that my asexuality is a bad thing ? that it’s seen as being in need of “curing” and can only be caused by something with a primarily negative connotation.
ount of cake (aces have the best memes). Or maybe, like Lady Gaga says, I was born this way, just like how some people come out left-handed, dark-haired, gay/straight/bi/pan. Because sexuality isn’t simple.
Sexuality is a spectrum and while asexuality exists on that broader spectrum, there are a range of asexual experiences as well. I have personally never seen a person and wanted to sleep with them, but that doesn’t mean anything about anyone else’s experiences. And that’s the thing – asexuals aren’t a monolith. We’re all really different (just as people in general are different).